Roller Coaster

I had not been writing for a while. The last time I wrote here was end of  2011. And I was like... Wow! It had been that long?

Almost a quarter a year passed in 2014, and it was one hell of a roller coaster ride.

It had been up for having new friends and new projects to look forward to.

It had been down for keep giving things up... not to mentioned all the confusion that had been clouding up, that has to go too.

Giving up things is easy. But giving people up is hard. I truly believe everyone deserves a chance in everything, but this time, I am slowly becoming the believer of you deserve what you deserved.

Sometimes I find myself in tears for all the disappointment that I have been receiving, but there many of those moment was rescued by friends who just called or text to check on me.

There are times I just want to be left alone. You know? ALL ALONE! With my dog Charlie. Just Charlie and me, and no one else.

I have learned that a bastard is not someone I need to be careful with, but a gentleman. Because you will never know if the gentleman is a wolf under the sheep skin, or simply a coward.

I don't know what is installed for me for the rest of the year. I am sure it will truly be a year that I have to put my patience to test.

It will be quite a journey, and I said to the almighty - bring it on!

I am going to learn how to ride a bike.

4 Weddings and a Funeral

They say bad luck comes in 3. I don't know if it's proven but I like to believe it's true.

I don't need to tell you what had happen, but I think all that happened only mean I need to focus.

Week after, I have to finish all the photos, clean up all the rubbish and make sure everything is in place before the start of year 2012.

2011 was not a bad year. Though, funny enough, I had a year consisting of 4 weddings and a funeral.

I attended Anju and Ashish wedding in March.

It was great fun, made a few good friends from near and far, and fell in love with the chaos in India.

I came home and attended a colleague's wedding, had the best melt in your mouth beef rendang because they got the royal cook to make the feast.

And then life went on and I was raving about how much I miss India. And then, I received an invitation from Randeep to attend her wedding in June.

It was a Punjabi wedding and everyone told me I will not regret it. Not only I did not regret. I glad I went! I did not get enough of it! It was a great experience and made me realise how wonderful to have families.

Pavithra's family included me around their lunch and dinner table. The mom made the best southern Indian food in the world.

Randeep's family included me in all the ceremonies, and made sure I had a good time.

Dheepa told me what a cheat the Auto driver in Chennai can be, I still like the energy in India. Like Ishbeer said, "India is a free country, it is also a freak country!"

And I came home to my colleague, who happened to be my very good friend, Steven's wedding. God~~~ You are finally married, what a relieve...

When I starting to appreciate what a good year 2011 had been, all was going down on sad note.

My little sister passed away in November...

Everything gone downhill ever since...

From watching it burn and burn and being wash away... my mind begin floating around and went on auto pilot mode and is slowly losing it...

I want to feel numb about everything and not throw too much energy into anything, I ended up tiring myself to feel otherwise...

Not a good feeling...

Today, when I reviewing how great the entire 2011 was, but how it all ended with such low note.

Thinking through all my decisions over the previous few years and how it affected me...
I am missing all the good time, as well as bad.

And now I am sitting here typing this, hoping that I could find solace by putting words together. I want everything to be good after this. For as long as it could last...

So, I have decided, whatever it is, I need to leave a few things behind. For good or for worse, I need to do it.

Be it big, or small...

That's life...

You need to find peace even if it meant to crush you.

The Dot

Now, I think I can understand what it is like to have live a life without someone who has always been there, even though it doesn't mean you get to see the someone everyday, or talk to the someone everyday.

Because, you feel everything is ok, as long as you know the someone is there, in a place where the dot is always connected and bleeping away... like the heartbeat...

I thought I should know, because I had lost a friend, I went to the funeral, I asked after the family, I sat at her wake...

But, I did not cry. And I did not miss her as much as I would love to.

I did not felt that the world has fell apart.

But today, after one long month, I am still feeling it.

The sight and sound of what she used to love...

Her voice linger in the air... laughing... giggling... in my dream...

The look on her face when she is in her own world, or trying to focus...

The sound of heartbreak... shattering... so soft but piercing...

The anger and frustration of not being able to talk to her in person to understand...

Heartache to see those I love are feeling the same too.

Heart sore to know everyone is still concern about us...

How hollow it is to be the second of three, instead of four...

It is not complete...

Not anymore...

Because the dot has stop blinking...

A Letter to Heaven

Dear little sister,

It all started with me finishing your rice cereal, washing your cloth diapers, screamed at you (more like making a fuss with mom) to stop you from climbing the hundred layers window.

Your very classic red bareback dress mom made for you that everyone exclaimed how sexy you were.

You claimed my favorite panda bear and then the monkeys in the park snatched it away from you.

First lesson learned (probably not): No bad deed goes unpunished!

You and your teddy bears...

Your 2 boyfriends running around with you in countless gatherings and birthday parties when you were a toddler.

You never refuse to bring a drink or fetch the pillow, but you fought your way to get what you want when you want it.

You were one deadly potion mixed with obedience and stubbornness.

I left home when you were still a little girl. I did not grow up with you to know much about how you feel most of the time. Especially how you were like during you teenage years.

I remember those late night calls you made to me, crying and sobbing, complaining about how you were misunderstood and how you would love to know how to be better.

You found comfort in leading others, to better yourself and earned your respect in finding solutions to everything.

I know you missed dad a lot. You could never understand how it's like to grow up with him, even for just a little moment that you could remember is almost none.

The first time you told me a secret because you trusted me. I held it real hard even after the real first fight we had.

I know we had "disowned" each other many times for stupid reasons, but I have never stop loving you.

You have always been a sister I couldn't understand.

You are just so enigmatic...

You chose to keep the distance so we could not question.

I know you have tried...

You have tried to be a better daughter to mom.

You have tried to be a better sister to us.

You have always been a good friend to your friends.

You have always been a good adviser.

When Shi Shi and the gang performed that afternoon, many of us was touched by what you have done to the others.

They strive because of your encouragement.

They are successful because of the messages you've been sending them.

They kept their spirit up by following your leadership.

I was very very impressed. I wish we have done the same with you...

I truly cherish the closeness we had shared with each other. That is what I sorely missed.

I am not going ask "why" and "if only".

I just want to tell you that mom misses you terribly and we are very proud of you.

I love you...

Don't forget to send our regards to dad...

Your equally stupid and stubborn sisters...

Depression is a hard demon to deal with. It's like living in a deep dark hole which no one could understand. A person living with depression who doesn't know it, or do not acknowledge it could appear to be cheerful and positive. The difficult part is what's going on in their mind when they are alone.

Whatever it is, we need support from friends and family from time to time. Not one of us are capable to deal with our own emotion and problems. We can surrender our problem to God, but we should also know God gives us friends and family for that reason.

Scribble~~~

Sometimes... I wonder, if "Past" did not happen, what would "Now" be?

It is difficult to imagine.

I used to have so many opinions. So many that I cannot not write them down just to feel good about it.

I don't do that anymore.

There are times when I just wonder and wonder and wonder... What more do I want?

I am beginning to appreciate the saying, "Less is more."

It tires me when I see people having such busy social life that they can't keep track of.

It sadden me that some people just could not have the chance to change...

It is more frustrating to see that the person that you should love unconditionally keep destroying the love and trust you have for him/her.

That "Have" will eventually becomes, "Had".

It is also difficult to have someone you care about to keep making you angry and you can't do much about it.

So it brew... and brew... and brew... and you bleed and bleed and bleed...

Eventually, it will become something else.

To some people, bad deed keeps repeating itself...

Again... and again... and again...

The mouth is the most destructive weapon...

It is not easy to structure your sentence so you will not offend anyone, but, at the same time, you cannot expect other peoples to do so.

When I feel all alone and sad, there's always one thing that make me happy.

The little fur ball that bounce around with white flag at the end.

Charlie and me
@
Jeriau Waterfall, Fraser's Hill

Photo courtesy to Alvin @ Damienphotography

The world is a selfish place, that's why dog is the man best friend :)

Kitten are nice too, but they will eventually grow into cat...

So many things... Too little time.

It has been ages since I update the blog.

And more so, I have lost touch with me, myself for many months and it is time to catch up.

The question is... how?

Life have been a roller coaster ride since January and it has not stop.

First, the puppy changed my routine. I wake up at 6 every morning so we can go for morning walk. This, in turn, changed the quality of my life. I get to see the sunrises (not quite), exercise, breakfast, read some book and check email. Sometimes, I get to vacuum the apartment and clear up the kitchen rack!

My routine has becoming much more stable and I get more things done.

I made 2 trips to India and fell in love. It was experiences I did not expect. It was such a sweet adventures.

I attended 2 beautiful weddings, got to know many beautiful friends and families. I can't thank them enough for making my experience a wonderful one.

But... having been in the rat race for too long. I did not slow down enough even I was given the chance to. I was too greedy to feast in every single things that my five senses could take, but, my pace was too fast I missed quite a few things, and I did not document enough of my experiences.

Though, I am not disappointed. It would only make my next journey longer, and to expect the unexpected.

But, when it comes to work, I am not that lucky.

No. Everything is going well. I have always been lucky, and recently I am beginning to appreciate friendship at work. Especially one particular person who have been there for me through thick and thin, and we fight like husband and wife.

Shamefully, only now I understand how important it is to have a relationship like this, just to balance everything up, and spice everything up.

Many years ago, big sister told me every senior will always complain about how impossible today's young people are.

I am reliving it now, and it is for the worst!

I have never ever shouted at anybody at work, everyday.

I have been barking so much that I feel like a failure.

I was controlling myself not to use foul languages, but this one managed to push me there.

"F" words are used in every steps explained; "WTF" on every repeating mistakes made; and "What the hell were you thinking?" is out every time I stomp my feet, and many 15 minutes break.

There was too many simply assume, lies and mistakes looping on the other side, sometimes, it was just plain STUPID.

You know? My 10 year old are smarter.

Today, I stomped out of the studio, punched the door hard enough to feel the pain because when I asked him why can't he gets something so simple right, "Tell me!" I said it on top of my voice.

"Anxiety..."

I just need 15 minutes to calm down.

It was just another"flush the toilet after you pee" routine, how hard can it be?

WTF!

Tell me... What is my problem?

I am so tired of barking.

Me not very convinced...

Damienphotography.com received an email from John Wang who "works" in an Intellectual Company in China regarding some "Urgent Notice of Intellectual Property Protection".

It goes like this:

Dear Manager:

This email is from China domain name registration center, which mainly deal with the domain name registration and dispute internationally in China and Asia.
On April 13th 2011, We received HAITONG company's application that they are registering the name " damienphotography " as their Internet Keyword and " damienphotography .cn "、" damienphotography .com.cn " 、" damienphotography .asia "domain names etc.., It is China and ASIA domain names. But after auditing we found the brand name been used by your company. As the domain name registrar in China, it is our duty to notice you, so I am sending you this Email to check. According to the principle in China, your company is the owner of the trademark, In our auditing time we can keep the domain names safe for you firstly, but our audit period is limited, if you object the third party application these domain names and need to protect the brand in china and Asia by yourself, please let the responsible officer contact us as soon as possible. Thank you!

Best regards,

John
Oversea marketing manager
Tel: +86(0)21 6191 8696
Fax: +86(0)21 6191 8697
web: www.ygnetwork.com.cn

So... Alvin called me to check it out.

And then I kind of like... Hmmmmm... The English is so bad I had no idea what the hell they are talking about... China? I don't, and never would trust Chinese people... Scam? But what kind of scam services they are "offering"?

So I forwarded the email to my lawyer sister and she said this smell fishy.

Scam?

And I forwarded the email to another friend of mine, and he just "haha..." away and said, "Never trust Chinese people on this like this."

And then I found a link the said,

YG-Networks.com is a Scam – Rip Off Warning

Anyway, I never trust "corporate" that can't speak or write proper English, never mind where they are from. Besides, this feller's English is so bad that, I can't see anything that is too good to be truth in it.

But! On the bright side - At least they noticed Damienphotography.com :)

Me not going... :(

Nadia is going to Kerala to attend a friend's wedding with her girlfriend, she invited me along but I can't enter India for another month, so I had to send her away with heavy heart...

Masala Dosa, Naan, Paan, Thali, Ghee Paratha, Briyani Rice, Jeera rice, Pulav, Vada Pav, Belpuri, Fish Curries, Masala Fish, Tandoori, Gulap Jamun, Kulfi, Panni Puri, Vindaloo... Mmmmmm~~~~ Cheeku Lassi...

Wait! Where is the voodoo doll?

Thought of the day..

If MCA can be led by a porn star, I can't see why the country can't.

Old?

When Nadia the 28 years old asked me to join her and her friends for a drink and chill for some jazz, I told her, "You guys go ahead and have fun. I'm feeling like auntie today, so I don't think I want to join you guys."

Darn! Was I feeling lazy or I am getting old?

This is one of a lifetime story...

Probably it's one too many.

My sister is finally married to the man of her life who can't take his eyes off her for whatever reason it was, even when it was miles away.

He singed his soul away to her on the 8th of March (Correction: February).

How marry can one be?

So... they have sign the contract and you can look at the event here.

Now... when is the party? That is the question.

Odd of the Norm

It's 2 weeks into 2011 and I am still not feeling it, other than lots of tears and joy on New Year's eve into New Year... confusion and lots and lots of stress.

2010 had been a good year. But December was a stressful month for me.

1. I didn't go anywhere like I did every year.
2. I didn't make the effort to make New Year's Resolution.
3. Birthdays, family reunion (sort of), Christmas, holidays...

And the New Year started with lots of shouting and giggles and tears...

I started 2011 toilet trainning the new puppy, the new love of my life... Charlie.

2011 is going to be a fast changing year with new responsibilities, careful planning and new ventures.

Lots of planning to be executed, and lots of questions to be answered, and lots of knots to be untied.

Well... in a couple more days, I will be attending a friend's "Ethnic" wedding in Singapore; in a couple of weeks time. a getaway with family in the East Coast; and in another month time, I will be in India attending a Hindu-Christian wedding in Kolhapur.

My New Year's resolution?

I am not going to stop travelling :)

I know...

Yes. It has been a while.






Just wait a little while more... I have just been...






Too...






Busy...

About Short Film and Women Rights

Over the years, we have worked on many short films by Malaysian film-makers that can't quite make it.

Looking at all the rubbish content, you should understand why they can't make it far... really.

So, we kind of gave up short film because there really is no money and don't quite worth the time and effort when all you can see, was someone staring blank at you with environment sound in the background that they never fail to want you to "polish" it so the crickets can sound better.

It rhyme with the blank stare, you see? You have to think like an artist to appreciate it.

Can you understand why we give up short film now?

Anyway, after being sort of out of touch with short Film-making for like... a while. Last year, I had the privilege to attend a meet the producer event in Annexe, in conjuction with the EU Film fest.

This particular event featured this company in the UK that help short film people to make short film by like funding them as long as you can convince them that you are good.

Like a business proposal.

And all 10 short films that was shown that evening, all are the high quality story and high quality content with high quality low budget.

Nice.

Clean.

Simple.

Straight to the point.

Story well told.

I am not being racist and I know they do make some crappy short film every now and then. They are all over Youtube, anyways.

Whites are not always better.

And because of that particular event, I kind of thought that Annexe might have some brain to show some high quality (maybe not as good, but you know... QUALITY!!!!!!!) production with high quality content. Never mind if you are doing it for free.

Sexuality Merdeka!

How liberating is that?

It was so liberating my friends and I actually can't wait to go for the Herstory Film Project: Love, Sex, Desire> short film screening event to watch 5 short films made by WOMEN! Just to show some support.

We thought this is a great way for Malaysian to understand their rights and to learn how to practise it!

That's what we called "Campaigning", right?

It doesn't take long to piss me off.

The band comprising of 4 young girls dressing like boys playing acoustic guitar singing male bashing songs with "I'm not your French fries, Fuck your mother French fries..."

Ermmm... I was about to like you, but you just insulted my mother... and girls, why are you dressing like boys?

You do know that we female species have the right to parade in mini-skirt and still look good. What you need is to condemn rapist, encourage sex education, and reduce baby dumping activities!

The first film was "Spirited". Which was suppose to be about man using supernatural power to lure female into falling in love with him.

But the entire film was nothing more than an MTV vs travel documentary mixing with some artistic moving shots.

One word: DISTURBING

The second film brought a bit of hope because it was about a young girl fell in love with a young boy and she ran away from an abusive father and then apparently the boyfriend got arrested and then she gotten herself into prostitution and became a drug addict because being a massage girl don't make enough money to pay rent.

And the title was... Oh dear... I don't remember.

Well... probably the only one that kind of meet the theme but darn sad.

The 3rd was a DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Visual: Camera fixed on one end of the drain, where there was a traffic light at the crossroad, it was raining.

Sound: Traffic noise and rain.

And for the entire 20 minutes, we were staring at the moving traffic, being harass by the traffic noise and rain hitting the obviously there was an umbrealla somewhere above, trying to read the subtitles (supposed to be the story) that was so freaking small that you have to use binoculars to watch it.

No voice.

And then at the last 5 minutes or so, the male bashing song started looping.

Basically all men are useless and female are the better sex!

And the moral of the story is????

What an insult to the audience and fellow film-makers out there.

I heard someone said to me, "They should publish an article of this, and not showing it on the screen!"

Film number 4.

Narrated by Bernice Chauly.

Interesting animation work followed by recollection of memories of her parents and some art work scattering around the screen to compliment those old photos...

Nice... nice... very nice...

And again! It should be a book, not film. But then again, nice try.

Last one!

A typical late Yasmin Ahmad formula. Only there was no race other than our fellow Muslim friends.

Young lovers. Stubborn enough not to reveal their feelings towards each others.

Boy lives in a mansion because the father is rich.

Girl is poor with sick mother at home.

Boy's father likes the girl.

Proposal done by religious someone with something like "if you marry so and so your mother's medical bill will be sorted out."

The girl naively thought it was the boy so she agreed.

And she eventually found out on her wedding day that she was marrying the old man.

There!

Lovers.

Broken up.

Choices?

I don't know.

A tribute to late Yasmin Ahmad.

May she rest in peace...

I was pissed off.

I'm sure a lot of us was very disspointed with what we saw last night.

Malaysians are not educated enough to understand our rights!

Our film-makers have no idea what we are campaigning about.

They do not really understand their responsibilities as a film maker.

They did not only insulted their audience, they also insulted their sponsor.

The German must be scratching his head wondering why did he agree to fund this project.

I would love very much to support local film scene. But...

We still have a long way to go to make sense.

Honestly, to practise women's rights is not a hard thing to do. All you need to do is to hold your head up and tell those who discriminate you that you will not take this nonsense and walk away and be successful!

Why should you put yourself so low at their level and scream "fuck you mother French fries"?

Come on! Have some dignity. Why such anger? You are better than that, girls.

And stop all the male bashing, you need to know that sometimes, your worse enemy could be your girlfriend.

You are special. You really, really are.

Stop discriminating yourself.

Enjoy being a woman.

Happy Merdeka.

Sigh~~

A long time ago, a senior told me, "When you wake up and you don't feel like going to work, it is a bad sign."

Need I say more?

Gutted

Went to the coffee shop to have my favorite Wan-tan mee (the best in town) for breakfast.

After mixing the black sauce with the noodle, I found a very much still alive and kicking maggot on the Char-siew, wiggling its almost transparent white body with black tip around the meat actively, sniffing away goodie (or way out) of the very much cooked dish.

I almost puked.

Told the boss about it and she gave me my money back.

Thank God I have not dig in, else...

The Wan-tan mee stall in Jalan Dungun, the corner shop behind Hock Lee Mini Market. The best Wan-tan mee in town.

Now we know why...

It is time to find the next best Wan-tan mee stall :(

The thing about Modeling

Nobody would ever look bad when they are done up classy and sophisticated,
but not everyone look good done up slutty.

When you do not look good slutty,
Trashy, is probably the next best word I could find.
That's bad for business!

~~Karen, Wife of Brent, the photographer~~

B&W vs Colour

When I was in the high school, a senior made a book mark for me, it read,

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

Cannibalism

I know we have to work hard so we do not go hungry.

Even from stone age, we knew we have to hunt and pick our own fruit.

But...

We also rob and steal from each other, and slowly it became war of different reason.

When the black could be white.

When the white could be black.

Depends on majority.

That's just different way of shaping our culture, when civilization was civilization.

A friends posted a video clip on Facebook several days ago.

It was about riot in Jakarta many years ago... when I was still in school.

I can't finish it.

It was too painful to watch.

Even in the animal kingdom, the predator have more mercy to their prey.

I believe the aura made it that way...

I know it.

When it gets into you...

You will be part of it...

You want to be part of it...

You will have no idea what is right and what is wrong.

You only know "death upon them" is the only things that make sense.

At that time...

When you're in it...

When everyone are in it...

You have nothing to lose...

We are just part of the food chain.

Never mind if it's part of the surviving skill pr not.

Death upon them is the only thing that make sense.

Homosapien and Chimpanzee shares 96% similarity in DNA.

Have you seen how Chimpanzees practice cannibalism?

I am not going to ignore it, but I will not be able to accept it.

If it ever gonna happen too close to me, I wish I have a shotgun.

No.

Hell may be more bearable.

I am going to shoot myself in the head.

If it's going to happen too close to me...

...

After what happen with 988 FM and those DJ's Facebook pages, I don't feel so safe living in this country anymore.

God bless us all.